Post 17: Alan the Reindeer

T'IS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY
FA LA LA LA LAAA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA


The carol-caterwaulers were orally assaulting my homestead with their senseless joviality, their defence against the blighty cold of Mighty-Blighty was simply a song in their throat and the love of Christmas in their hearts... with a decent sized dose of ear-rape for those unfortunate enough to be caught in their cacophonous crossfire.


I tried to revel in their festive warmth... but they hadn't seen the things that I had seen! I wanted to revel in their happiness, in their joy and their love, but my revelling attempt was equivalent to finding the coffee flavoured one when all you really wanted was an Orange one or those ones that are a bit like Minstrels...


Yes I had seen goodness, I had seen joy, I had seen beauty and the wondrous side of NATURE time and time over...

But I had also seen darkness, unthinking, unheeding, unfeeling, psychopathic, sociopathic, deranged and insane. I had seen the worst that this so-called God had to offer, and I must say, if they had seen some of the things I had seen, then these so-called Carol-singers heads would probably explode as naivety and innocence combined with the cold, calculated gloom of actuality...


Dark times... dark times indeed...


I finished off my whiskey and retired to bed...




A NEW DAY!
A NEW DAWN!

I skipped out of bed, too hell with the hangover! It was Christmas Eve and I was off to find a pile! All year I had waited for this, I set up camp on my roof, and waited for them to arrive, I watched out, I did not cry, I did not pout, Santa Claus was coming to town... and more importantly, he was bringing his Reindeer.


As night fell I looked to the horizon and waited for their jingly bells that heralded their coming...

It didn't take long. I had been exceptionally good all year round, and Santa always rewards the good boys first.


I am a VERY good boy.


And so, as Santa Claus creeped down my chimney I struck up a conversation with the Reindeer nearest to me, his name was Alan, he was a no-nonsense sort of Reindeer, and was fairly tired and not particularly forthcoming. He didn't appear to have a pile.

I was a mite crestfallen.


He looked so tired I offered him a mince pie... he declined... some Roasted Chestnuts... nope... After Eights, Dates, Salted nuts, Yule-log...


No. No. No. No.


"What would you like to eat Alan?" I asked.


"Cheese on Toast."


And so it became that another myth had been shattered, Reindeers liked Christmas food no more than I liked Carol Singers! I took Alan in through my front door (Santa was still worming his way down my chimney the fat bastard) and grilled him up a veritable feast of the finest moon-cheese on toast! 


I have never seen a Reindeer so happy. He piled them on his plate, then guzzled them like a kid with a bowl of custard! I packed him some more for his journey and then he gave me a warm hug...

And like a shot, they were gone, I poked all my presents, but as I am a good boy I didn't unwrap them yet. 


And then I retired to bed, content with my years work of pile-hunting... but I knew there was still a long journey ahead of me... My adventure into piles had just begun.


next year I would learn so much more.


But for now, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FELLOW LOVERS OF PILES!!


Warning


Santa eats bad kids.

Post 16: Umit Hassan the Turkey

With frightening velocity I threw up my breakfast, all over Umit's feet.


This is the end of the story of this particular pile...


It started much like this, though I must warn you the bit about the chunder is the best bit.


Christmas approached me like a limbless man on a hillside of slick ice. Like most years I wanted a Turkey to eat on Christmas day. I have always been confused by achieving such things and got the wrong end of the stick somewhat as I found myself boarding a flight to Istanbul.

As I waved fairdy-well to cold old blighty I snuck a few shots of whiskey down my gullet and fell into a dreamless calm doze.


I awoke in Istanbul and set about finding myself a Turkey, I asked a man where I might find a Turkey. He pointed at his shoes and continued his journey.


I asked a young lady the same question. Again her answer was frustratingly oblique.


My entire morning was spent this way without any answer approximating much less than a riddle and much more than joke at my foreign expense.


Later that afternoon I limped across a shady looking man by a market stall.


"Excuse me good sir!" I beckoned "Where might one find a Turkey?"


With greed in his sneer he whispered in my ear: "Come with me my dear, come come, have no fear"

Behind him I trotted, my tired feet felt clotted, the air smelt quite rotted and I hoped soon a Turkey would be spotted.


But he had got the wrong end of the stick as well and he just tried to sell me drugs.


Frustrated by this time wasting excursion, I made my excuses and with 50 kilos of Grade A smack taped across my stomach I waved fairdy-well to the Turkish land of Turkey and was soon back in Blighty.


I drove out to a farm in the Essex countryside where the kindly farmer sold me a fine Turkey for the princely sum of £22.99. 


Whilst wandering around the Turkey farm I met Umit Hassan. I enquired as to whether he had a pile and he showed me around the back of his shed where neatly piled up were a pile of rather rotten looking giblets...


and with frightening velocity I threw my breakfast up all over Umit's feet.




Warning


Some piles stories just aren't as good as others.

Post 15: Geldof the Ibex

As Christmas creepily approaches I feel I should shine the torch towards what many people within the popular press are now classing as YULEPILES!

I happened upon my first YULEPILE whilst gallivanting gaily ‘pon the Alpinic peaks of the Alps.

From afar I spied a bright twinkly light and caught up by the distant yodelling of Christmas carols echoing across the foothills, the foolhardy romantic within me began to believe it to be a celestial body casting a theological net of Godly light over the snowy mountain caps.

I skipped after it, leaving my imported Sherpa sweating and gasping in my wake as he struggled to keep up with my greater levels of fitness, although, in his defence, he was carrying a lot of stuff.

After summiting a summit I gazed across a rocky valley and realised I had been mistaken, I was not following a Messianic calling to bestow gifts at the feet of a newborn leader of men, but was being guided t’ward something far more holy… It was the cheese-moon and its' sparkly reflection glimmered off of a carrot that formed the nose of the uppermost snowman of a pile of snowmen!

A veritable YULEPILE of the most magnificent proportions.

I think you’ll all agree!

I was gobsmacked with joy, ending the current cycle of Despica-piles that had depressed me so, I was now heartened and awash with happy goo as if I was bathing in a bucket filled with happy.

So taken-aback was I by the glorious pile of snowmen, that I had not initially noticed the animal that had created them, but there, standing proudly against the night sky, stood a bearded Ibex, almost as in awe of his creation as was I.  

Warning

Snowmen are by turns glorious and evil. By day they can seem peaceful and sedate, but when the full glare of the Alpine moon meets their dark-coal eyes, they will often kidnap unassuming young boys and force them to witness their psychotic killing sprees as they spread fear and death amongst the lands of Europe.

Thankfully when placed in a pile. This will not happen.

Post 14: Morris the Ostrich

I couldn't just sit idly by and await my Nobel Peace Prize could I? I had to get back out there. I had to find my next pile!


I drove to Somerset. I fancied some cheese. Somerset is a good place to get cheese. I bought some cheese.


But then something caught my eye.


Right next to the cheese-farm was a ginormous Ostrich-farm.


Filled with Ostriches!!


They were engaged in such frivolity! racing each other and flapping around.
In one corner two studious looking Ostriches were playing chess in another some young Ostriches were practising their alphabet and all the old ostriches were smoking pipes and talking about slippers.. on first glance this Ostrich farm seemed a halcyon utopia of Ostrichey goodness...


But I've never been one to trust a first glance, after all the difference between a first glance and second glance could be this and this.


I wasn't falling for that again...


So I afforded myself a second glance, and that's when I saw it... 

A breakaway group of Ostriches had gathered in the farthest right corner of the field. Half a dozen Ostriches milled about looking shifty, their heads were shaved, Germanic Punk music blasted from a nearby ghetto blaster and their necks were webbed with sinister looking ink-art.


I had heard about the notorious Neo-Nazi Ostriches of Cheddar Gorge... But I never thought I'd see them.


I sidled closer until I noticed what they were gathering around, they were taking turns reading from copies of Hitler's autobiography: Mein Kampf.... in fact they had loads of copies of the same book!! A VERITABLE DESPICAPILE OF MEIN KAMPF'S!!!



I was appalled by this behaviour and could not help myself releasing a huffy little hurrumph...

It was heard by all, and the Ostriches instantly discarded their hate-lit and began bashing their heads into the soil.


I attempted to beseech to the giant stupid-looking birds, to teach them about love and compassion, about sharing our World with every RACE of MANKIND and every SPECIES of BIRDKIND and ANIMALKIND.


We should accept and celebrate our differences and grow and learn from these  to become better people and do GOOD on this earth. I explained how I had caught the Taleban and how everybody was now friends, all thanks to me, Robert Ian Cooper, Pile-Hunter, Adventurer, and all round good guy.


But they weren't having it.

Their heads remained firmly buried in the sand.


Ignoramus Ostriches.


I despaired. 


I despaired at their single-minded hate.


And I despaired at such a compoundingly obvious metaphor...


and then I went on my way. I had some Cheese to eat.


WARNING


Do not eat giant slabs of mature cheese as though it were an apple. This is bad form.

Morris, just one of several Fascist Ostriches found in Cheddar Gorge

Post 13: Oh the Deer

I wandered lonely as a cloud, lost amidst piles of thoughts about piles that effervesced around my mind like angry bees.

As I scuffled over hills I sought answers from the machinations of my mind, I sought justification for my work from a higher power.

Why was I trekking all over the World seeking out the darkest most secretive corners of the minds of animals? What good was my quest doing? Was the world really better off?

Was it a better place thanks to the knowledge that Megalomaniac Tortoises piled franchised lego-characters?

That sociopathic Crocodiles piled pirates?

That drunken but hospitable Penguins piled tiny fishies?

I was struggling to think of ways to make the answer "yes". How did my pile-hunt help either MANKIND or WILDLIFE?

Completely shadowed in self-doubt and depression about my superfluous pile-hunt, I perambulated despondently over hills...

I was being guided by a merciless meta-narrative, I knew my next pile would be a Despicapile. And this made me quiver with nerves. And maybe this was what stoke the flames of this crippling self doubt

I had got myself lost deep within the HILLS OF ENGLAND when I heard a far off bleatgrunt, and despite my general lack of enthusiasm I couldn't resist the pathological urges that guided my every step and I scampered off in the direction of the sound....

There, on a hill opposite me stood a resplendent Stag, his giant antlers erect like a two Peter Crouches dancing proudly against the horizon as he butted his way merrily around the hill...

And behind him, there, plainly for my eye to see...

WAS HIS DESPICAPILE!!!!

On spotting it I quickly ducked behind a bush! I couldn't believe it!

 I had found the Taleban!!!

This Deer, this majestic, swarthy beast, had the most controversial pile I had ever seen!

I rang the police.

Within moments police helicopters surrounded the hillside and the CIA  efficiently rounded up the Taleban and carted them off to some cosy gaol.

I received a stirling handshake from the head of operations and a Ten Pound Book Token!!!

But the best thing I received was a reaffirmation of my faith. Faith in my Pile-Hunt. 

By doing what came naturally to me: By hunting

ANIMALS

and their

PILES

I had uncovered the Taleban and therefore ended THE WAR ON TERROR!

Everyone had become friends again.

All thanks to me.

WARNING

A Doe is a Deer (a Female Deer) but Oh is not female and very very proud of his masculinity.

Post 12: Davy the Crocodile

The time had come for me to leave these fair shores and the relative safety of the farm.

With my hairy ginger toes I stepped gingerly into my Super Happy Fun Boat and set my compass to 

WEST

 and my mindset to 

ADVENTURE

I had heard about a species known as the GREAT BIG CROCODILE and how this, the most DANGEROUS animal on PLANET EARTH, had colluded with the most DANGEROUS members of MANKIND to form a deadly alliance...

A PILE-ALLIANCE (Piliance) OF TERROR

I much desired to witness what could possibly cause such fear in the hearts of so many MEN, WOMEN and WILDLIFE-KIND the world over... and so set off on this intrepid adventure to begin a new cycle of my journey

This part of my journey would become known throughout ENGLAND as Animals and their DESPICAPILES!!!!! And it is not for the faint hearted.

Here I will search deep into the darkest hearts of the world's most evil creatures!

I swiftly found Davy the Crocodile,  and I tracked him through the mangrove swamp where he resided until I happened upon a discarded boat...

not just any boat...

a pirate boat!!!!

I was almost unbelieving that the rumour-pile was turning out to be true, it took me no time at all to locate Davy's Pile, no doubt I was aided somewhat, because they were all piled high on his dastardly osteodermic back!!! 

SOMALI PIRATES!!!

Loads of the blighters, lording it up with their peg-legs and cutlasses and profane parrots and filthy bottles of rum... they were extraordinarily happy sailing aboard Davy's coarse back, and together a reign of evil was being executed on the Mangrove Swamp. 

The more I looked the more I saw the results of their destruction all around: featherless Herons lay shackled to the Mangrove trees, Fish quivered in fear beneath bigger fish who already lay speared by the treacherously stumps sawn off the feet of innocent flamingos... A benign lizard was slumped, begging on the side of the swamp, his whole livelihood taken from him by the pillaging cretinous pile of pirates... Something had to be done about this outrage!

However, I didn't fancy being taken hostage and having my Super Happy Fun Boat stripped of all it's goodies, so I made a hasty exit and sought out my next DESPICAPILE.

WARNING

Never dip your hat or talk awhile to the crocodile smile of a smiley Somali pirate piled 'pon a crocodile's scaly wily dorsal.