Post 9: Bertie the Baby Tortoise

From the hugging-Panda highs to the Village-obliterating-Magpie lows and the muddling mediocrity of the Fishpile-Penguin inbetweeny bits: The Great Pile Hunt was becoming a truly memorable experience...

I was feeling more than a little exuberant after my derring-do-escape from China (a tale not for this Blog).

And now I found myself face to face with the most endearing little tyrant I had ever seen! (this happened just before I made it home to my cup of tea)

Yes, even more endearing than this cuddly little fella.

Whilst jetting home on my Super happy fun boat, I passed through a small archipelago of glorious tropical islands. Stopping off for a Mojito on the most scenic of them all, I soon found myself under the enthralling control of the island's baby-faced dictator.

His name was Bertie.

And he was a young, cute and exceptionally evil Tortoise.

And he ruled the Island (Bertie-Island) with an iron-fist.

The fact that the Bertie-Island had very little in the way of other residents did not appear to deter Bertie and his megalomania; and as his esteemed prisoner I was given the guided tour of his Bertie-Island.

 He showed me his dungeons (caves with very smelly fish in them),  the sharp sticks in which he would impale the heads of dissidents (in fact the decaying remains of particularly stubborn coconut still festered), and the stocks where he would embarrass any fool who committed a crime against the laws of Bertie-Island by drawing penises on their foreheads.

Bertie-Island had three laws and these are what they were:

1. Bertie is in charge so everyone else should just shut it.

2. There is no designated bedtime. Just impromptu nap time.

3. Don't sit on Bertie.

I found it curiously simple to obey these complicated laws and maintained the illusion to Bertie that I was indeed his prisoner. Before long his guard was lowered and on one of his Royal Bertie-Island tours I trailed him and soon spotted him playing with his pile.

A small pile of Darth Vader Lego-Men..

Ignoring the implausibility of 5 identical Lego Men washing up on one tiny islet, I reasoned logically that his pile was inspired by Bertie's desire to be an all powerful leader, much like the great Sith-Lord himself, he sought to crush his enemies and lead with fear and an iron fist.

I imagined it also reflected the lost child who still lived inside Bertie's sad orphaned shell. And maybe his longing for a Father figure, someone to give him that firm Masculine hand to guide him through life's many travails...

Someone like me... perhaps?

So with this Cod-Psychology neatly sewn up, I quickly sketched Bertie and his pile of little Darth Vader Legomen and made my getaway on the Super happy fun boat. 

The last I saw of Bertie he was shaking his fist at me as I sailed away, cackling like a maniac.

WARNING

Bertie was a particularly mature little Tortoise, but the general rule is that Legomen are a choking hazard for little Tortoises, supervise any little Tortoise who is playing with a Legoman at all times.

Tyrannical Tortoise with his toys