SO I WENT TO CHINA TO CUDDLE A PANDA BEAR!!
Now most people know that Pandas are dying out,and before now nobody knows quite why that is, it is a bonafide mystery, like the Bermuda Triangle, the Rickmansworth Frost Pocket and the longevity of the "musical" career of Razorlight.
There is one thing that everybody does know, and that is that Panda Bears just love a hug. In fact, any given Panda, when faced with a choice between a nice Roast Bamboo with all the trimmings, or a big fat hug...
Will choose the hug every time.
They can't help it, it is exactly as (housewives favourite and quality songwriters) The Destiny's Child once sang:
I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my panda too Huggylicious for ya babe?
Now if The Destiny's Child are taking the time to be singing about the huggaliciousness of a Panda, then I think it is pretty safe to say that it is very very very huggable indeed.
So with this in mind I got on my super happy funboat to China and went searching for a Panda to cuddle.
China is of course very large and most of that space is filled up with lots and lots of people. Because of the overpopulation of MANKIND in this area, they do not really allow any WILDLIFE to live there
The exceptions are the ever-dwindling amount of Panda Bears and a few dragons here and there (for the tourists). It is not the best place for my intrepid adventure by any accounts, seeing as that relies entirely on WILIDLIFE to be a success... but like I said, I really wanted a cuddle.
After four days canoeing on the Yellow River (you know what they say about Yellow Snow? Well the same goes for Yellow Rivers, don't eat them) I found a Panda colony and it wasn't long before Wang Chen crawled shyly up to me and asked if he may hug me.
I obliged with a delighted squeal and we spent six glorious hours in each others company, just having a cuddle. All my blues floated away into China's clean night sky.
Lighting a cigarette and basking in a post-hugasmic bliss, I asked my cuddlepanion:
"Wang Chen. Why are Panda's numbers dwindling so rapidly, and what could I do to help?"
And Wang Chen replied:
"Well Robert Ian Cooper, because we live in China it is law that we must eat with chopsticks, we find this very hard as we do not have opposable thumbs, but we have no choice, forks and spoons are illegal in China. You could help by finding a way around the law that allows us to eat once more"
IT WAS SO SIMPLE! Why had no one realised this before now?
and I had the solution, I told Wang Chen about how all other animals had piles (Pandas were not aware of this due to the strong media-sanctions put in place by the Chinese Government that stopped news from other animals filtering through) and how Wang Chen and his friends should have little piles of their own, I then gave him a handful of Sporks that I had conveniently stored in my trendy shoes.
A Spork is neither Spoon nor Fork. It is the perfect legal loophole.
Wang Chen was delighted. Suddenly the laborious task of eating dinner was no longer such a chore! He and his fellow Panda-friends each made their own little pile of Sporks out of my plentiful supply.
We then had a great big cuddle and I went home and had ice cream.
WARNING
There is both a correct way and an incorrect way to cuddle a Panda. below I have created a five point guide to panda-hugging etiquette.
1. The Panda must approach you for the hug. NEVER hug a Panda without first being invited, this is akin to rape.
2. Never attempt to hug a Panda whilst it is mid-coitus with another Panda, this is complicated enough for them without you getting involved.
3. Never look at another Panda whilst hugging a Panda. This is taboo.
4. A cuddle is a cuddle, nothing more. If you want to have sex with a Panda then just tell him or her, don't disguise it in the pretence of a cuddle.
5. Never be the first to break from a cuddle, when the Panda is ready to stop hugging you, it will do so! Sometimes hugs can last for days so be sure to bring plenty of snacks.
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| Panda with Hairy leg. Note: trendy shoes. |
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